i feel sad..

its 9.10am now,12 apr today..wanted to go to school to study, but did not in the end. remember how i started this blog? it was during the period when dada went to canada, and now im almost starting to write again. im going to bear another 10 weeks not together again. this was not only the cause of my sadness, but the strain i have between dada and my family. i felt that ever since i came back from hall and spend more time at home, perhaps dadaalso had more chance with me at home, i felt like im always caught in the middle between them. and indeed, everyone was so unhappy that in january this year, all the nasty requests came out. okie, i compromised, accomodated, but it is still so hard. i know if i were dada, i would feel totally outcast, n i will nvr go to her place anymore. i know everybody tried to change, fang tried to respond to him even though she dun like to, korkor tried to say hello and thats all, mummy, supposedly the most kind person, was not as kind towards dada as when i fiirst bought dada home that few times. especially yesterday, i hate it when mummy suddenly said to me that "later got one show" .n i immediately know what to do, because dada was out in the living room, i immediately got dada in. why cant she say it straight in my face or say it straight to dada? its so hypocritical like that. if i were her, i would just say to him that i want to watch tv, later will "chao dao ni" u want to go in to study or not? isnt that just so simple. ?okie, and then at night kor was talking about cindy, and that he felt like he was not welcomed by her mum and he dun really feel good. This was such a good example to treat someone who is not your son better. but mummy just said that 自己的孩子就是自己的孩子。and she said that it can never be possible to treat other people like her own children. u will definitely only give the best to yr children, and she asked me right? i felt abit offended, n i just felt that she was targeting at me n dada, n i just said that i dun agree, because that is so 小心眼, so not magnanimous, i said we should be more da fang. she became not happy, i know, thinking that all i do is to side with dada only. and then after that i knew she was not happy and went to sleep at 10plus, i msged dada, but dada doesnt seem to know im not happy, or he just dun give a damn abt my sms too..i feel so sad, so squeezed, but what can i do? ? now, whenevr theres a bday celebration, i dunno if i sld call dada along, bcoz that time fang's bday, they said dada cant come. now daddy's bday, but dada will be off in japan le. hui lin's 21st bday..he sld be able to go right? kor kor bday, sld he come? mummy bday..sld he come? haiz.........whenever dada says he wants to come to my house, i will hesitate, i must count when was the last time he came...that is also the reason why i dun want to go dada's house so often, perhaps they also think that way, especially his dad..say things indirectly in my face, but im not stupid, i know i sldnot go so often. wash plates also got say by him, i can also sense that he doesnt really like me now.. i thought that families would always accomodate each other, doesnt seem to be the case now.

n now dada will be off to japan..everybody had the opportunity to go overseas, except me. im always the one left behind, n not the one going off. i really support dada to go off, because if it were me, i would definitely go! if u know me well enough,,i always put myself in others people shoes. but yet again, while trying to show support for him, i inevitably felt sad, that all the special dates of us, cant be spent together.that time when dada came back from canada, i thought to myself that i wont need the webcam anymore, i was wrong. i wonder how many more times dada will go overseas, we made a promise that since he went for both instep n IO overseas, in future when he work, he cannot go. he promised, but i dun think this will be a promise if he was really given the opportunity. it will be selfish of me to not let him go, but come to think of it, it will also be selfish of him to not regard my feelings and only for his own achievements to go. well its a dilemma. the one month before he gies off, will always be hard for me. along the way, it should be better, i hope. i really wonder he dada feels this way, or he still harbour the feeling of that time in canada, just there to play himself n enjoy himself, and not miss me the way i missed him. im so bored..i sld start studying now and erase all the unhappy thoughts....