The one who emailed me when he is in Canada no longer reads my blog. The one who says: sometimes you will feel better when you write things down so that "I" can see what you are thinking, no longer reads my blog. Me? Everyday, as long as I am online, I go to his blog everyday. Concerned about what he thinks, afraid that he may be upset, so that I will be the very first person to talk to him.

The one who always enjoys going overseas to upgrade himself and to leave others alone, yet does not care about whether the others are doing good or not.

He can just really enjoy himself when he is overseas, theres company, both boys and girls, and scooping ice cream from a girl's cup, how sweet.

The one who doesnt even think of his girlfriend when he is enjoying himself. The one who is no different from his sister, who doesnt want to commit fully into a relationship.

The one who thinks: well, i will think of you when i think of you, but please don't disturb me when im doing something serious, like working in Japan.

The one who thinks that I always say bad things about him. The one who thinks that I love him more than he love me and that i have stronger feeling towards him than he is.

You put too high a hat for yourself. The one who thinks that the future is a future, we don't have to think about it now.

The one who tries to escape questions from me like what exactly did hedo on our 2 year anniversary before he came to chat with me.

The one whom i feel does not tell me everything. The one whom i felt that i self-disclosed toomuch and felt now that i should not have done so.

The one whom have made me sad more than happy for these 2 months.

Most importantly, the one whom i loved and treasured so much, no longer treasures me anymore.

28 may 2010---is it of any significance to you?

why do i sometimes think that i 受委屈? from excited in waiting for him, to bored. Is it no longer important to keep to what u said? alright, it might be your internet is down or whatever reasons you want to give me, but isnt it just good that you can give me an sms that you will be late? i kept waiting here at the computer like an idiot. Afraid that you might be here anytime. being excited the whole day because i'm looking forward to chatting with you. Guys are just like that isnt it, i have to wait, as always.

happy and sad at split seconds, what am i doing?? i no longer sense my importance to him..i dont gain insecurity, uneasiness, unhappiness anyhow, its accumulated by you. How do you want to bring this down?

i bet you must be discussing your itinery for your camp tomorrow. Thats more important than our 2 year anniversary date online.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no posts to read

i was just practically doing nothing today, because i cant sleep even though i have slept for less than 5 hrs last night. I know that is not normal of me because i can sleep practically everywhere, and when i can't sleep, i know that i am just purely missing someone. My brain is just too active thinking of you, so much so that i get insomnia. INSOMNIA? this word has never occur to me.I looked back at your past blog posts, when you were in Canada, at least at that time, i have something to read when you cannot be online chatting with me. But now, i have nothing else to fall back on. Claps for those who have your loved ones overseas apart from you for at least a year..i must learn..for now

always online

I thought of lin jun jie song "always online" Yeah..im always online..trying to be online..which i obviously dun do it if not of dada..i was skipping and was so surprised to see a facebook msg..but i think hes having alot of fun there ba..perhaps no need for me to think so much and worry abt hiim..i dun think i will wait for him online this week.

sab seems to be the one always online to chit chat w me..ha..lad to have her to chit chat and have lunch w me in sch..oh yeah..opened up a star today w words!

seriously, if i have a chance, i would like to be away overseas for a few months..i realise i lost a lot of chance w myself as i have always considered him. that time i really wanted to do GIP..but i thought that i didnt want him to suffer the way i did when he was in canada..but in the end..it still ended up me suffering..hai..

i really cant take it anymore!!!!!! i feel like shutting down myself

IM so bored..really, i always wake up in sadness. JUst as i thought summer research will keep me busy..but it seems like i can do the initial research part at home. I wonder if i should go to school instead and join them for lunch? so that at least i have people to talk to. My everyday life is almost filling up my brain. I have so much to say, but i could just write down only. My intial plan of writing and sending to da will not be implemented. I dun even know his address..i will just write down and hope that somehow i will have the luck to see him online. its so sad to wait and wait yet theres not even a trace of him online.

Summer research should be done in group, yet i dunno who else are in my group..im gonna be a loner then. Today is Thursday, the day when u started work. Perhaps you need the weekend to settle your phone or something, i dunno, i thought that an sms would be gd too, but none.

Canada was much better in our communication aspects. Even though if i could not see you online, at least i know u saw my messages and you can leave me offline messages. But what to do, the place just doesnt have wireless..and its expensive to rent.

Will wenot be contacting each other till you come back..that is so scary. I kept thinking of CS100, trying to learn from what i should do in long distance relationship.

Will someone help me?

back to blogging..again

Im really kinda bored now, i wanted to say it out, but to who? woke up today, at 8 plus, wanted to sleep more, so i forced myself to sleep, but the max was 10am. I wanted to do alot alot of things this holiday, but it seemed like im just stucked here in m thoughts. it has only been 2 days, and im dying. It seemed so one-sided now, i miss da, but da seems kinda neutral. Am i overly dependent on him, should i love him less?..all these thoughts just popped up. all the promises, but it still ended up us being long distance every other year..will there be more? im so scared...i was trying so hard at the airport, to be happy, to not cry. Im surprised, i actually made it. I was just bottoming up my feelings, alone on the way home, it seemed so drama, why am i always left behind? at home, i try to be happy try not to think, but sometimes when im alone, i just cant help it, that is why i am trying to find alot of things to do. i wanted to call mummy just now, and the moment i picked up my phone, i dialed da's no. and again, i was sad. i felt myself 2 yrs ago in sep. spending the first few days like mad, trying to be online every split second, just hoping that u will be online again. im paranoid. i finally cried now. everybody just said that 3months will be very fast. How fast can it be..yesterday after my driving lesson,, i just wanted very much to call him, but then i realised, hes in japan, did i lose my memory or what. if i get to talk to him, i would be so happy, but then when we have to stop the call, i cant take it...can this be the last torture ? lets hope tmr willbe better after i start summer research..lets just hope. will it be agin like hes canada, that he doesnt even think about me? i said that i didnt want to take the initiative anymore, and i shall fulfill it, i will be passive now.