back to blogging..again

Im really kinda bored now, i wanted to say it out, but to who? woke up today, at 8 plus, wanted to sleep more, so i forced myself to sleep, but the max was 10am. I wanted to do alot alot of things this holiday, but it seemed like im just stucked here in m thoughts. it has only been 2 days, and im dying. It seemed so one-sided now, i miss da, but da seems kinda neutral. Am i overly dependent on him, should i love him less?..all these thoughts just popped up. all the promises, but it still ended up us being long distance every other year..will there be more? im so scared...i was trying so hard at the airport, to be happy, to not cry. Im surprised, i actually made it. I was just bottoming up my feelings, alone on the way home, it seemed so drama, why am i always left behind? at home, i try to be happy try not to think, but sometimes when im alone, i just cant help it, that is why i am trying to find alot of things to do. i wanted to call mummy just now, and the moment i picked up my phone, i dialed da's no. and again, i was sad. i felt myself 2 yrs ago in sep. spending the first few days like mad, trying to be online every split second, just hoping that u will be online again. im paranoid. i finally cried now. everybody just said that 3months will be very fast. How fast can it be..yesterday after my driving lesson,, i just wanted very much to call him, but then i realised, hes in japan, did i lose my memory or what. if i get to talk to him, i would be so happy, but then when we have to stop the call, i cant take it...can this be the last torture ? lets hope tmr willbe better after i start summer research..lets just hope. will it be agin like hes canada, that he doesnt even think about me? i said that i didnt want to take the initiative anymore, and i shall fulfill it, i will be passive now.