The one who emailed me when he is in Canada no longer reads my blog. The one who says: sometimes you will feel better when you write things down so that "I" can see what you are thinking, no longer reads my blog. Me? Everyday, as long as I am online, I go to his blog everyday. Concerned about what he thinks, afraid that he may be upset, so that I will be the very first person to talk to him.

The one who always enjoys going overseas to upgrade himself and to leave others alone, yet does not care about whether the others are doing good or not.

He can just really enjoy himself when he is overseas, theres company, both boys and girls, and scooping ice cream from a girl's cup, how sweet.

The one who doesnt even think of his girlfriend when he is enjoying himself. The one who is no different from his sister, who doesnt want to commit fully into a relationship.

The one who thinks: well, i will think of you when i think of you, but please don't disturb me when im doing something serious, like working in Japan.

The one who thinks that I always say bad things about him. The one who thinks that I love him more than he love me and that i have stronger feeling towards him than he is.

You put too high a hat for yourself. The one who thinks that the future is a future, we don't have to think about it now.

The one who tries to escape questions from me like what exactly did hedo on our 2 year anniversary before he came to chat with me.

The one whom i feel does not tell me everything. The one whom i felt that i self-disclosed toomuch and felt now that i should not have done so.

The one whom have made me sad more than happy for these 2 months.

Most importantly, the one whom i loved and treasured so much, no longer treasures me anymore.

28 may 2010---is it of any significance to you?

why do i sometimes think that i 受委屈? from excited in waiting for him, to bored. Is it no longer important to keep to what u said? alright, it might be your internet is down or whatever reasons you want to give me, but isnt it just good that you can give me an sms that you will be late? i kept waiting here at the computer like an idiot. Afraid that you might be here anytime. being excited the whole day because i'm looking forward to chatting with you. Guys are just like that isnt it, i have to wait, as always.

happy and sad at split seconds, what am i doing?? i no longer sense my importance to him..i dont gain insecurity, uneasiness, unhappiness anyhow, its accumulated by you. How do you want to bring this down?

i bet you must be discussing your itinery for your camp tomorrow. Thats more important than our 2 year anniversary date online.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no posts to read

i was just practically doing nothing today, because i cant sleep even though i have slept for less than 5 hrs last night. I know that is not normal of me because i can sleep practically everywhere, and when i can't sleep, i know that i am just purely missing someone. My brain is just too active thinking of you, so much so that i get insomnia. INSOMNIA? this word has never occur to me.I looked back at your past blog posts, when you were in Canada, at least at that time, i have something to read when you cannot be online chatting with me. But now, i have nothing else to fall back on. Claps for those who have your loved ones overseas apart from you for at least a year..i must learn..for now

always online

I thought of lin jun jie song "always online" Yeah..im always online..trying to be online..which i obviously dun do it if not of dada..i was skipping and was so surprised to see a facebook msg..but i think hes having alot of fun there ba..perhaps no need for me to think so much and worry abt hiim..i dun think i will wait for him online this week.

sab seems to be the one always online to chit chat w me..ha..lad to have her to chit chat and have lunch w me in sch..oh yeah..opened up a star today w words!

seriously, if i have a chance, i would like to be away overseas for a few months..i realise i lost a lot of chance w myself as i have always considered him. that time i really wanted to do GIP..but i thought that i didnt want him to suffer the way i did when he was in canada..but in the end..it still ended up me suffering..hai..

i really cant take it anymore!!!!!! i feel like shutting down myself

IM so bored..really, i always wake up in sadness. JUst as i thought summer research will keep me busy..but it seems like i can do the initial research part at home. I wonder if i should go to school instead and join them for lunch? so that at least i have people to talk to. My everyday life is almost filling up my brain. I have so much to say, but i could just write down only. My intial plan of writing and sending to da will not be implemented. I dun even know his address..i will just write down and hope that somehow i will have the luck to see him online. its so sad to wait and wait yet theres not even a trace of him online.

Summer research should be done in group, yet i dunno who else are in my group..im gonna be a loner then. Today is Thursday, the day when u started work. Perhaps you need the weekend to settle your phone or something, i dunno, i thought that an sms would be gd too, but none.

Canada was much better in our communication aspects. Even though if i could not see you online, at least i know u saw my messages and you can leave me offline messages. But what to do, the place just doesnt have wireless..and its expensive to rent.

Will wenot be contacting each other till you come back..that is so scary. I kept thinking of CS100, trying to learn from what i should do in long distance relationship.

Will someone help me?

back to blogging..again

Im really kinda bored now, i wanted to say it out, but to who? woke up today, at 8 plus, wanted to sleep more, so i forced myself to sleep, but the max was 10am. I wanted to do alot alot of things this holiday, but it seemed like im just stucked here in m thoughts. it has only been 2 days, and im dying. It seemed so one-sided now, i miss da, but da seems kinda neutral. Am i overly dependent on him, should i love him less?..all these thoughts just popped up. all the promises, but it still ended up us being long distance every other year..will there be more? im so scared...i was trying so hard at the airport, to be happy, to not cry. Im surprised, i actually made it. I was just bottoming up my feelings, alone on the way home, it seemed so drama, why am i always left behind? at home, i try to be happy try not to think, but sometimes when im alone, i just cant help it, that is why i am trying to find alot of things to do. i wanted to call mummy just now, and the moment i picked up my phone, i dialed da's no. and again, i was sad. i felt myself 2 yrs ago in sep. spending the first few days like mad, trying to be online every split second, just hoping that u will be online again. im paranoid. i finally cried now. everybody just said that 3months will be very fast. How fast can it be..yesterday after my driving lesson,, i just wanted very much to call him, but then i realised, hes in japan, did i lose my memory or what. if i get to talk to him, i would be so happy, but then when we have to stop the call, i cant take it...can this be the last torture ? lets hope tmr willbe better after i start summer research..lets just hope. will it be agin like hes canada, that he doesnt even think about me? i said that i didnt want to take the initiative anymore, and i shall fulfill it, i will be passive now.

i feel sad..

its 9.10am now,12 apr today..wanted to go to school to study, but did not in the end. remember how i started this blog? it was during the period when dada went to canada, and now im almost starting to write again. im going to bear another 10 weeks not together again. this was not only the cause of my sadness, but the strain i have between dada and my family. i felt that ever since i came back from hall and spend more time at home, perhaps dadaalso had more chance with me at home, i felt like im always caught in the middle between them. and indeed, everyone was so unhappy that in january this year, all the nasty requests came out. okie, i compromised, accomodated, but it is still so hard. i know if i were dada, i would feel totally outcast, n i will nvr go to her place anymore. i know everybody tried to change, fang tried to respond to him even though she dun like to, korkor tried to say hello and thats all, mummy, supposedly the most kind person, was not as kind towards dada as when i fiirst bought dada home that few times. especially yesterday, i hate it when mummy suddenly said to me that "later got one show" .n i immediately know what to do, because dada was out in the living room, i immediately got dada in. why cant she say it straight in my face or say it straight to dada? its so hypocritical like that. if i were her, i would just say to him that i want to watch tv, later will "chao dao ni" u want to go in to study or not? isnt that just so simple. ?okie, and then at night kor was talking about cindy, and that he felt like he was not welcomed by her mum and he dun really feel good. This was such a good example to treat someone who is not your son better. but mummy just said that 自己的孩子就是自己的孩子。and she said that it can never be possible to treat other people like her own children. u will definitely only give the best to yr children, and she asked me right? i felt abit offended, n i just felt that she was targeting at me n dada, n i just said that i dun agree, because that is so 小心眼, so not magnanimous, i said we should be more da fang. she became not happy, i know, thinking that all i do is to side with dada only. and then after that i knew she was not happy and went to sleep at 10plus, i msged dada, but dada doesnt seem to know im not happy, or he just dun give a damn abt my sms too..i feel so sad, so squeezed, but what can i do? ? now, whenevr theres a bday celebration, i dunno if i sld call dada along, bcoz that time fang's bday, they said dada cant come. now daddy's bday, but dada will be off in japan le. hui lin's 21st bday..he sld be able to go right? kor kor bday, sld he come? mummy bday..sld he come? haiz.........whenever dada says he wants to come to my house, i will hesitate, i must count when was the last time he came...that is also the reason why i dun want to go dada's house so often, perhaps they also think that way, especially his dad..say things indirectly in my face, but im not stupid, i know i sldnot go so often. wash plates also got say by him, i can also sense that he doesnt really like me now.. i thought that families would always accomodate each other, doesnt seem to be the case now.

n now dada will be off to japan..everybody had the opportunity to go overseas, except me. im always the one left behind, n not the one going off. i really support dada to go off, because if it were me, i would definitely go! if u know me well enough,,i always put myself in others people shoes. but yet again, while trying to show support for him, i inevitably felt sad, that all the special dates of us, cant be spent together.that time when dada came back from canada, i thought to myself that i wont need the webcam anymore, i was wrong. i wonder how many more times dada will go overseas, we made a promise that since he went for both instep n IO overseas, in future when he work, he cannot go. he promised, but i dun think this will be a promise if he was really given the opportunity. it will be selfish of me to not let him go, but come to think of it, it will also be selfish of him to not regard my feelings and only for his own achievements to go. well its a dilemma. the one month before he gies off, will always be hard for me. along the way, it should be better, i hope. i really wonder he dada feels this way, or he still harbour the feeling of that time in canada, just there to play himself n enjoy himself, and not miss me the way i missed him. im so bored..i sld start studying now and erase all the unhappy thoughts....