its 9.10am now,12 apr today..wanted to go to school to study, but did not in the end. remember how i started this blog? it was during the period when dada went to canada, and now im almost starting to write again. im going to bear another 10 weeks not together again. this was not only the cause of my sadness, but the strain i have between dada and my family. i felt that ever since i came back from hall and spend more time at home, perhaps dadaalso had more chance with me at home, i felt like im always caught in the middle between them. and indeed, everyone was so unhappy that in january this year, all the nasty requests came out. okie, i compromised, accomodated, but it is still so hard. i know if i were dada, i would feel totally outcast, n i will nvr go to her place anymore. i know everybody tried to change, fang tried to respond to him even though she dun like to, korkor tried to say hello and thats all, mummy, supposedly the most kind person, was not as kind towards dada as when i fiirst bought dada home that few times. especially yesterday, i hate it when mummy suddenly said to me that "later got one show" .n i immediately know what to do, because dada was out in the living room, i immediately got dada in. why cant she say it straight in my face or say it straight to dada? its so hypocritical like that. if i were her, i would just say to him that i want to watch tv, later will "chao dao ni" u want to go in to study or not? isnt that just so simple. ?okie, and then at night kor was talking about cindy, and that he felt like he was not welcomed by her mum and he dun really feel good. This was such a good example to treat someone who is not your son better. but mummy just said that 自己的孩子就是自己的孩子。and she said that it can never be possible to treat other people like her own children. u will definitely only give the best to yr children, and she asked me right? i felt abit offended, n i just felt that she was targeting at me n dada, n i just said that i dun agree, because that is so 小心眼, so not magnanimous, i said we should be more da fang. she became not happy, i know, thinking that all i do is to side with dada only. and then after that i knew she was not happy and went to sleep at 10plus, i msged dada, but dada doesnt seem to know im not happy, or he just dun give a damn abt my sms too..i feel so sad, so squeezed, but what can i do? ? now, whenevr theres a bday celebration, i dunno if i sld call dada along, bcoz that time fang's bday, they said dada cant come. now daddy's bday, but dada will be off in japan le. hui lin's 21st bday..he sld be able to go right? kor kor bday, sld he come? mummy bday..sld he come? haiz.........whenever dada says he wants to come to my house, i will hesitate, i must count when was the last time he came...that is also the reason why i dun want to go dada's house so often, perhaps they also think that way, especially his dad..say things indirectly in my face, but im not stupid, i know i sldnot go so often. wash plates also got say by him, i can also sense that he doesnt really like me now.. i thought that families would always accomodate each other, doesnt seem to be the case now.
n now dada will be off to japan..everybody had the opportunity to go overseas, except me. im always the one left behind, n not the one going off. i really support dada to go off, because if it were me, i would definitely go! if u know me well enough,,i always put myself in others people shoes. but yet again, while trying to show support for him, i inevitably felt sad, that all the special dates of us, cant be spent together.that time when dada came back from canada, i thought to myself that i wont need the webcam anymore, i was wrong. i wonder how many more times dada will go overseas, we made a promise that since he went for both instep n IO overseas, in future when he work, he cannot go. he promised, but i dun think this will be a promise if he was really given the opportunity. it will be selfish of me to not let him go, but come to think of it, it will also be selfish of him to not regard my feelings and only for his own achievements to go. well its a dilemma. the one month before he gies off, will always be hard for me. along the way, it should be better, i hope. i really wonder he dada feels this way, or he still harbour the feeling of that time in canada, just there to play himself n enjoy himself, and not miss me the way i missed him. im so bored..i sld start studying now and erase all the unhappy thoughts....
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Thursday, September 17, 2009
affected, somehow...
i don't really have alot of friends whom i am close to. Not to say friends who come in pairs. Perhaps, i will always put myself in other people's shoes, thats why, when i know that teronne and yong xiang had broken up, i was very distraught, upset.
Nobody ever wants to see a couple break up, is there a need? i thought. Yet these two were the ones who pulled us through our hexis difficult times, taught us numerous things about being street smart, planned the genting trip, went to teoheng most of the times, attended my birthday party, our camp leader, senior, saying that they wanted to form a new circle of friends with us..
I felt for ter so much, although i can't say that i know anything, but there is the possibility that yx dumped her for another girl. That is so like him. I hate these kind of guys seriously, it totally changed my perception of him. I was close to crying when i spoke to ter yesterday, when i should be the one calming her and listening to her. It must be tough for her, being the only child at home, parents working...but as she said, all was not worth it..lets hope sherecovers soon..
no more outings together, no more teo heng, its alright, at least i know my dada aint any other guys in the street...=>
Nobody ever wants to see a couple break up, is there a need? i thought. Yet these two were the ones who pulled us through our hexis difficult times, taught us numerous things about being street smart, planned the genting trip, went to teoheng most of the times, attended my birthday party, our camp leader, senior, saying that they wanted to form a new circle of friends with us..
I felt for ter so much, although i can't say that i know anything, but there is the possibility that yx dumped her for another girl. That is so like him. I hate these kind of guys seriously, it totally changed my perception of him. I was close to crying when i spoke to ter yesterday, when i should be the one calming her and listening to her. It must be tough for her, being the only child at home, parents working...but as she said, all was not worth it..lets hope sherecovers soon..
no more outings together, no more teo heng, its alright, at least i know my dada aint any other guys in the street...=>
Thursday, September 3, 2009
4 september..the day i hate the most
Last year this time, i was feeling so terrible because you had to go to canada. its been a year since then. For the past year, we didnt even quarreled once, and i began to worry, was it normal? i thought there ought to be some quarrels so that we can improve our relationships. Then when you came back, we had the 1st one over the mahjong. After that i thought it was perfectly fine, we had one quarrel! subsequently, i can't remember how many quarrels we had..till 23 aug..that was the biggest one. i thouht, okie, there sld be the end of our quarrels, i will start to understand him more. but there are still things i take a whole lot of my time to understand why..
but when you love that person, its only the least thing that you can do, understand,understand and understand. i havent done my part really well, i must say, you did all you could..
but bcoz of the canada trip, i really feared you leaving me. until now, i still feel this sense of insecurity, as you like to do things without informing me.
hp806 dr.jansen said, he used to love to go diving, mountain biking and all, but he stopped when he had his first chhild, he thought of that what will happen to his wife, children if something should happen to him, i thought, that was so very responsible of him.
i wonder if im alright, but when im doing something, i will be so careful, just in case i die, and the people who loved me will be theone suffering the most. I feared alot when i cross the road, i feared when i was in the plane, wondering if we will be landing safely, becoz when most accidents haven, they didnt thought it would be them, i wonder if i walk halfway, will a flower pot just drop down and hit me. im paranoid.
okie, i should have understand that you wanted something for your resume, i should understand and support you. This time, its is really my fault. for the first time i would say. but i just hope that you will always do one thing, keep to your promises.
i think it will be taxing for us to go taiwan this dec. you are going to australia. i don't want to be unreasonable. we will cancel this trip. bcoz if i go, i won't be happy also. people will come back from a trip together and enjoy post trip, but you are going away to an even better place right after taiwan, will you remember we went to taiwan? definitely less..i cant say that im not disappointed, bcoz we delayed once, this will be twice, next 3 mths u have IO. and i just want to let you know that the call yr mimi made to me at natas made me felt uncomfortable, bcoz yr sis at the side was trying to shut her up, afraid that i will know you all are going overseas. da, don't worry, i very zidong, i won't want to go with you all overseas.
there is a very impt promiseyou made to me last yr for this yr, lets see if u really remembered=>
thats love, relationships, abit taxing, but uget alot better moments of coz.
as always, this post is delicated to you
but when you love that person, its only the least thing that you can do, understand,understand and understand. i havent done my part really well, i must say, you did all you could..
but bcoz of the canada trip, i really feared you leaving me. until now, i still feel this sense of insecurity, as you like to do things without informing me.
hp806 dr.jansen said, he used to love to go diving, mountain biking and all, but he stopped when he had his first chhild, he thought of that what will happen to his wife, children if something should happen to him, i thought, that was so very responsible of him.
i wonder if im alright, but when im doing something, i will be so careful, just in case i die, and the people who loved me will be theone suffering the most. I feared alot when i cross the road, i feared when i was in the plane, wondering if we will be landing safely, becoz when most accidents haven, they didnt thought it would be them, i wonder if i walk halfway, will a flower pot just drop down and hit me. im paranoid.
okie, i should have understand that you wanted something for your resume, i should understand and support you. This time, its is really my fault. for the first time i would say. but i just hope that you will always do one thing, keep to your promises.
i think it will be taxing for us to go taiwan this dec. you are going to australia. i don't want to be unreasonable. we will cancel this trip. bcoz if i go, i won't be happy also. people will come back from a trip together and enjoy post trip, but you are going away to an even better place right after taiwan, will you remember we went to taiwan? definitely less..i cant say that im not disappointed, bcoz we delayed once, this will be twice, next 3 mths u have IO. and i just want to let you know that the call yr mimi made to me at natas made me felt uncomfortable, bcoz yr sis at the side was trying to shut her up, afraid that i will know you all are going overseas. da, don't worry, i very zidong, i won't want to go with you all overseas.
there is a very impt promiseyou made to me last yr for this yr, lets see if u really remembered=>
thats love, relationships, abit taxing, but uget alot better moments of coz.
as always, this post is delicated to you
Sunday, July 26, 2009
disappointed..with my dad
We no longer regards him as our dad, just a person in name. Today everything changed. Another debtor came out of nowhere, we were startled. I dont know howmany secrets he has we him. I pity mummy. Having a husband who does not pay every single house bill, a husband who does not bother about the house, a man who does not bring a single amount back home. He is a jerk, he is a failure.
WHat er are doing, is to help the family. We agreed to close down the company, starting everything from tomorrow. WHy cant he learn from his past failure, he is a bankrupcy!! I dont knoe how much further he wants to sink in it. I didnt know i had a broken family, i thought mine had no scars......
yetr whatever he did outside, we knew nuts. we knew nothing, that is how little communcation we have, mummy have with him. the whole night was about questioning and more questioning, not any criminal, but our very own dad. im always ashamed to tell da about all this, that he never contributes to the house and everyshit he did outside, becoz i didnt want him to get a bad image of dad, but now it doesnt matter any more, he is a jerk, no doubt.
I still remeber the card, but i guess it no longer mean anything to me, kee eng chin, has changed.
WHat er are doing, is to help the family. We agreed to close down the company, starting everything from tomorrow. WHy cant he learn from his past failure, he is a bankrupcy!! I dont knoe how much further he wants to sink in it. I didnt know i had a broken family, i thought mine had no scars......
yetr whatever he did outside, we knew nuts. we knew nothing, that is how little communcation we have, mummy have with him. the whole night was about questioning and more questioning, not any criminal, but our very own dad. im always ashamed to tell da about all this, that he never contributes to the house and everyshit he did outside, becoz i didnt want him to get a bad image of dad, but now it doesnt matter any more, he is a jerk, no doubt.
I still remeber the card, but i guess it no longer mean anything to me, kee eng chin, has changed.
indirectly shooting
hai..so im the one whos sleeping round and lazing around. i DONT find that so..i would think of that as spending time with my family. why spend the whole lot of your life always finding things to do, enriching your lifes just becoz you want to enrich, doing things for the sake of doing..so fake.
just at that point of moment, i thought so. different pple think differently, and thats why compromise comes in.....
although i will still think whatever i thought will come more easy with most people
still, sleep is important to me,
=<=<
just at that point of moment, i thought so. different pple think differently, and thats why compromise comes in.....
although i will still think whatever i thought will come more easy with most people
still, sleep is important to me,
=<=<
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
so much things
I was really really happy satisfied filled with joy on my 21st celebration, so much thoughts, yet could not write now. I was amazed at how my dada could hold the party so well, get everybody's attention. I WAS SHOCKED AND SURPRISED=> he made my party come alive, perhaps bcoz of so many things that he did, i felt pressurised to do something for him too. But im always the busy one who has to work, therefore, i didnt have much time to do anything.
seriously, i dont want to talk abt this, but i really hate the loan sharks!!!!!!y turn our family's life upside down? i cldnot ctrl myself and spoke to that damn person. I sld not have done that. Im already endangering myself. They may just catch me anytime, and IM DONE FOR. im scared but yet i really want the police to help us to get him caught. That is y i cld not sit own and think what to do for dada. My house will be burnt in this one week, i firmly believe so, now is the time to sit down and think in a sensible way, how to protect ourselves yet deter them and capture them. if only i was in the police force. I always wanted to be part of them, but because of height reasons, i stopped dreaaming since secondary. let me and my family be safe and sound, thats all i want, for now. If anything happens to any of my family members, i won't leave them alone. but if anything happens to me, im afraid i will kind of hate my dad.
seriously, i dont want to talk abt this, but i really hate the loan sharks!!!!!!y turn our family's life upside down? i cldnot ctrl myself and spoke to that damn person. I sld not have done that. Im already endangering myself. They may just catch me anytime, and IM DONE FOR. im scared but yet i really want the police to help us to get him caught. That is y i cld not sit own and think what to do for dada. My house will be burnt in this one week, i firmly believe so, now is the time to sit down and think in a sensible way, how to protect ourselves yet deter them and capture them. if only i was in the police force. I always wanted to be part of them, but because of height reasons, i stopped dreaaming since secondary. let me and my family be safe and sound, thats all i want, for now. If anything happens to any of my family members, i won't leave them alone. but if anything happens to me, im afraid i will kind of hate my dad.
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