contradicting post

My eyes are super swollen and red, yes, i cried so hard once again. Its really not me. BUt there's a feeling that things are no longer as they was. Kor overheard our conversation, and he said i talk like Cindy. But its true, guys change after a year in relationship. Not as enthusiastic anymore. Its so ironic, in the past, when we were so good so good, i worried. Worried because everything was so perfect, it should not be. And when we had our first argument when he came back from canada, regarding the yongsiang hse thing, i was kinda happy, happy that theres a conflict. It means we are natural. Then came the 3 cries in a month, but that made me understand him better. True. Then i became not as happy sometimes, on and off. I started to worry, why.

IN tthe past, he comes to my house to stay like nobody's business. And he will make sure its fair in a way that i stay and he stay at respective's houses. But now he actually said its ma fan and if its not ma fan then just stay lorz..The first to reply RF email last year, i believe the last to reply this year, perhaps not at all. He has more interesting friends than rf perhaps, and prefers to write long long comments on them than us.

I hope he will appreciate me more though. Ive done alot, which he cant see. Ask all his guy friends, i believe im already a very understanding girlfriend. Ive never once asked him to buy anything for me, nothing like kai yang's girlfriend. Yes, although i tend to pull a long face over things that he thinks are nothing. But i have mny reason. Normal people will think in my way and will get angry. Tried and tested with mummy. But He really thinks in a so different way, and so perhaps, it aint a problem for him.

I love him, and thats why i get upset over certain things. I really hoope that for the next 3 months, i won't get unhappy or angry again. Mummy says, well its like that. So perhaps its like that?

Today is the first time since i can't remember when that we parted to go home on our own. Normally, he will come my house or i will go his house and we will then part from there etc. I hate this feeling but i have to get used to it. Perhaps we are so used to going to each others house after each meeting/outing.

Have i ever said that he has never sent me back home once using public transport. I never expect though, because its far. But kor kor does that everytime, i wonder how he does that. Im not trying to bitch and complain about small little things. But some things, we should not take it for granted that its like that. Thers more work to be done. And theres actually force applied though there may be no apparent work done but there is work done afterall.

But after all that crying, i still love him that much. Perhaps, the more you love that person, the more you will cry because of him. I will think over before i get angry again.

Once again, im very serious about this relationship, i want to go on forever, its not a play and go kind. Make me happy, im so easily satisfied and perhaps thats the problem.

All the flam makes me can't breathe at all, with the flu. HAI

pleasant surprise!

What a pleasant surprise! My surprises aint surprises! haha MUACKS!! HAPPY 11 mth!

GUILTY

Im so guilty of it! I just read kor's post and yeah, I'm one of those who likes to dabao food and eat in the tv room. But this is the only stress free thing that is fun during exams! Haha, his post abit like dada's one. But, I'm not really an environmentalist. That is why, i like to eat at home! no need to dabao. Yet can watch tv. Okie, bathe!

Exams over soon

Tomorrow will be my last paper! As excited as I am, I suddenly thought of so much things. I will miss this whole exam period. Especially the early part where me and dada will study together everywhere, from LWN 5th storey to 4th storey to benches in north spine, to CBE discussion room, to my SPMS tutorial room..The rain! The laughing of the 2 guys! In the end we had to laugh at ourselves! SO FUN! The drawing of pictures. I kept looking at the photos. DADA so cute! The late night runs! and i was so proud i ran 2 rounds!Initially, i thought i would most probably be studying alone at the ulu tutorial room of mine.

I thought of this same period last year, when I was in a very extremely good mood. The blackouts last year.. and I just instinctively messaged my then "mama" and he will come up and look for me! No blackouts this year, how boring! Thats part of hall life, forever so exciting! The NIE study days last year..the anticipation of something, family day 1..so much so much. I missed 883 too. I would stick the earphone in my year and listen throughout the day. It proved effective. But perhaps not this time.

Its gonna be a year. Thats really fast! I still feel as fresh and new as the past! I think I'm abit crazy though, missing da every free moment, like now! DAda must be busy studying his catalyst! I still want to watch the repeat telecast of Hong Xin Da Jiang! haha . Exercise will start soon, not for this few days though. I really want to relax and sleep until Zi Ran Xing! Many things to do this hoilidays though! plan family day real soon! plan my birthday, plan special days..look for jobs..BAKE!

I really missed my baking marathon, come to think of it. I'm gonna go home! oh yes! poor kor, starts paper tomorrow, haha! BATHE!

thermodynamics

It is an hour more before my thermodynamics paper start. Thermodynamics is not the word, it should be physical chemistry, because there are other components like chemical equilibrium other than thermodynamics. I'm feeling very stressed up now, yet, i don't feel like recapping anything. Its either you know or don;t. For all my worst papers, i would at least get a B- and not a C. Please don't give me my first C, I won't be able to take it. Tomorrow is yet another stupid paper. Why the hell did I take physics of sports, when my physics really sucks since secondary school. I didn't even take A level physics. I sought of regretted not SU-ing. Im competing with a whole lot of engineering people! Its peanuts to them. How? Will this semester be my lowest point in life?

I don;t know why, I suddenly thought about my birthday party in June, and i kinda don't look forward to it. Part of me hates the planning part, there's alot to do than it is, part of me wants to make it the best. Ive never had birthday parties. Perhaps a mini one when i was 13 year-old. That was at home and only neighbours and my close relatives were invited. Everybody wants to look their best on their 21st isnt it. Everything seems so boring now.

HAI...can 214 please be doable........I know its like peanuts to many people, but not me. But the last paper is not a relaxing one. I still remembered we had steamboat prior to my last paper last semester. And i was not anxious at all. Because theres really nothing much to study. I got a B+ How cool right, and papers like organic where i put in all my blood, i got a B-. I don;t want to stop writing, once i sstop, it means 214 paper is starting. Should i walk, or take bus. I will walk, afraid to take shuttle bus on my own. Because of self concsious, just like i hate to eat alone too. OMG OMG!! Ims o stressed stressed! PLease..give me luck! 12.10pm now..SHould get prepared....

lab exams?

Throughout my educational period, I have never had laboratory theory exams! I mean, isn't it clearly written as lab and should be done practically? We have had SPAs exam during our junior college days, practical exam during our secondary and primary school days.
Today's paper was such a killer paper. I don't know how the rest felt, but for the first time after last semester''s organic paper, i felt so helpless during the paper itself.

Its not fair to test our graph plotting skill when we are now into the high-tech era. It took me so long to decide the parameter for the axis and the first few questions totally dampened my mood. All the As for my lab reports are fake, they have already planned such a funny paper in ahead. Well, as I said, its only a paper, it could not have been worse for other people at some corner..like madelyn's friend.

Her friend's mum just passed away. Although it has nothing to do with me, but this kind of thing will happen to me in future. I would put myself in their shoes and imagine how worse i will have felt. I would propably not turn up for exams and give up. There were 2 cases in JC1 and JC2 respectively. My friend, in my clique. Her father died during the period near our promotional exams, we went to her father's wake. She seemed alright then, but everybody knows that this is such a hard thing to accept. The other one happened within a year during our Alevels. I bet she must be very strong then, for she scored 4 As and A1 for GP for Alevels. She was beside me that day, when results were released. Immediately, she cried upon knowing her results, in her heart, she knew that her dad was always supporting her and watching over her. And for that, I felt so ashamed of my results.

Im afraid of physics of sports more than thermodynamics. MCQs are killers. But.。顺其自然 吧！
Oh yah, I finally saw dada with his retainer, my wish fulfilled!!! so cute!

still in progress..

I thought I would listen to my HW102a teacher Alvin and write an entry everyday, even though it may be as short as just a paragraph. But here I am, days after my last entry!

Exams are still in progress and one paper had since passed. It was not what I had expected. I expected it to be reasonably easy. I thought questions from the notes will come out again, but it was not the case. Multiple choices questions were tricky, but well, I don't think it will be disastrous, all I want is a B+ and above. But of course, paper like green chemistry, I really hope an A- will popped out!

I'm not that ambitious, I mean, Im aiming in a reachable way. I don't aim for grades like A+ which I'm never capable of. But of course, if I were to get it, who will not want it? I have been hanging out with CBE people lately, because I go to dada's school everyday to study. Clever people really study in a different way. They practice and discuss a lot among themselves. But again, I think it is something that only above average people can do it. For me, i can't, because i can't even get the real concept right, let alone contribute to the group and discuss among friends. Dada said that Jock Biao's way of studying is wrong, while i agreed (because i'm also like that), i also understand why he studys that way. We, perhaps the more average or less than average people, do not grasp the concept as fast, therefore we tend to feel insecure if we don;t finish summarising and reading the notes before practicing. Nevertheless, I'm also trying to change my style, I do practice more now. But seriously, I'm pretty easily satisfied with life, with grades. B+ will make me smile! haha

Studies are not everything in life, there are still so many things to overlap the injury you got in exams. Everyone is special in a way. Ha, I overheard 3 guys conversation yesterday. I really could not stand the way they prepare for exams; totally "heck care". I would never have the courage to not study for any exam. I would never have the courage to say: "i haven study leh" just one day before the exam, even if its pass/fail! CBE computer lab is not bad, so re nao, unlike my school's ones. But because I'm going there everyday, I haven seen them for ages. I haven watched television for so long! I missed dabaoing food into the tv room. I missed the time when i was in year 1, always eating early lunch with Elaine because every one or a few days, one of us would have afternoon paper. We would then watch those long long ago chinese serials! hao hao kan! Now is good too! See dada everyday!

I swear Im going to lose weight when exams end. I can't eat the way I'm eating now. Although i don;t eat rubbish now, but that's not an eating pattern that I can adopt to lose weight. If you just compare me and dada. We eat almost the same 3 meals a day, but he is taller and bigger! How can we consume the same number of calories a day? When our energy requirements are different! Haha, got to do something about my weight. Its not just about exercise. I really need less rice! 44 kg by my birthday? 40 by TW trip? hehe...39 by.....hmmx..the big big day=>

all soaked in school

Today was the official last lesson of the semester before exam really starts. In fact, mine first paper will begin next tuesday! Seriously, i really hated Hw module, i mean, I still hate it now, for I'm one who cannot write well. But I found that I have found two really good friends to talk to. I thought i blended in with both of them so well. Being able to talk about anything under the sun. They even tell me their problems, and I felt so good that they looked upon me to give them advise. Actually I don't have many friends in my course, friends that I will go to lesson together and hang out with. I supposely have 2, but it became 1. That only friend, she's just a lecture friend, a friend whom i will never talk about my personal life, a friend whom I will never ask her for help, a friend whom i will never study with. But yet without her, I would be a loner in CBC. Thats so contradicting

I have been soaking in either Lee Wee Nam Library or CBE to study. If not for dada, I would not have this discipline to wake up early to study. Nevertheless, I am still getting used to this habit, for it has always been a norm for me to study til 2am and wake up at 10 plus. I feel that 8 hours is still not enough for me, haha.

For the first time that day, I ran two rounds around the school! I am so proud of myself. perhaps it it at most 10km only, but thats a great achievement, on the account that I have not been running much until recently.

Dada and I talked so much yesterday I thought i really have nothing to hide from him anymore. I was so straightforward i thought i will say the wrong things. But I'm glad that things always turn out well. Perhaps I should change my mindset to the more positive side, but as it is, girls are hard to understand and accomodate, it is the constant insecurity that we(us) feel. And that was what i told Maypo today. Chin and Po agreed.

I hope she is not thinking too much again. Nobody wants a couple to break up right? Things are hard to come by, lets cherish everyone around us!

bored to death

If its me, i will inform my whereabouts, so that people won't have to assume where you are,
if its me, i will be so open about myself, that there will be no secrets within me,
If its me, If its me.

Sometimes, its kinda hard, to open up the cockle shell, for they just refuse to open, and at the end of the day, you will just give up and not care and not eat the cockle. But, thats different, because you can eat the rest of the cockle shells!

Thats not the case........well....in any case..perhaps i should just shut up

Was so super sian in hall, the whole day, i was just studying, and the whole day, i was thinking should i eat or not.

I want people to eat with me, if not i won;t bother to eat myself, and i will end up eating rubbish. Luckily, theres them to eat with me.

And i had an adventure with my cheque. It was rainingly heavily this afternoon and zhiling called me down to the concourse to pass me my cheque. It was just a thiny whiny little cheque. With not even an envelope to protect it. I struggled my way up, making sure i don't slipped and fall. Along the way, i just imagined the worst, what if i really fell and the cheque flew off to the ground and it got wet and when i picked up it tore and...omg..then thats the end for me. I protected it against the rain that came in, only to find myself more wet.phew. Finally im up there, poor cheque, poor me.

back to study..and my stitch still hurts, feel like going home again...SIAN..whenever i feel bored, i will call mummy, for i don;t have to bother if shes free or not, she will always be free for me.