and i didnt get anything special for mid-autumn, which i thought was important for him. SAD DISAPPOINTED and so no festival is impt anymore, and i shall not prepare any surprises ANYMOR%E!!!

i took up the courage for once, to start to talk face to face. it did solve the problem. I took the initiative this time, because, i really don't want us to quarrel,again and again.

why?

It seemed like a small matter, yet, it blew up once again. Earlier than i had expected. My fault? Your fault? and you will say: it's nobody's fault. Had you tell me earlier what you had to do on the 28th..nothing would have happened. My sixth sense about you wasnt wrongfrom all this while i knew you. Whenever you had something in mind, you would gave excuses to reject an outing with me with reasons because of me, like I'm sick. When the real reason is that you know you had to help yr dad.All this happened because you refuse to speak up. Jurong bird park was pre agreed at least a week ago, and just because your dad begged you. Alright, you said he will die from exhaustion. Me? I always wanted to let you see my retainer the very moment i had it on, but forget it. I wanted you to witness how serious my flu and cough was, you ignored me, because nothing could be more important than me, unless i die. Adn you will start thinking that I am very unreasonable and not understanding. I am not angry at why you had to help your dad. It's rather more of why can't you lead your life that you can call your own? why must you be lead by others all these while? closing down sale after 30 years? you said there's a reason for these. Who wouldn't be upset by this? but you refused to tell me what is happening in your family. Similar to jock biao's case. This time, i can foresee that its either your dad has some illness and is too weak to carry on, or he has some cashflow problem and had to close down, or because your parents are getting a divorce? or is it purely that he thinks he needs to retire? what is it so embarassing to tell me about? Then why should i carry on being your girlfriend when i felt helpless to even give you the support you need? and you will start saying that i wasn't there when you needed someone most. What shocked me the most was that you can even sacrifies your studies to help your dad. Were you thinking properly enough? or was your dad not understanding at all? you even had time to go to facebook on 29th after your call to me. You arent devastated by all this at all, are you? We will never solve our problem like this, never. Since you are so busy, you will never have a face to face talk with me at all. I hate you for always giving excuses, telling me last minute changes when it you can still inform me before hand, and giving me empty promises.You have obligations for everyone. You can go on like this, i gurantee you will definitely fail psychologically. Live life of your own, please.

dada is coming back

For a week or so, I'm asking myself, how am i feeling right now? Am i still full of anger towards him, full of disappointment towards him? or am i feeling very excited that he is coming back in two days time. I remember how i felt when 3rd jan 2009 was reaching. I was so looking forward towards it, how i can hug him tightly, tell him alot alot of things. I remember how tightly i held him while on the way his home, in his car.

25 july 2010 in 2 days time, while looking forward, yet, my hard feelings towards him is not fully off. It can't be settled just like that, because we really need to talk. But i realised that whenever a major conflict happen, we gave ourselves time to cool down, but there was always never a wrap up. Even if there was, i was always the one to initiate it, just like the one major quarrel we had before our last paper on 4 may.

what i had felt on my birthday was no small matter, i will explain to him why when he comes back. About the incident on his birthday, about hui ling's comment and his comment on fb, i just want to know what happened over at his side. I am willing to sit down and talk things through. But not now, i didnt want to tell him about my driving test, its on tuesday, for your info. If u still don't know by tuesday, that proves how often u read my blog, or how u don't even read. Give me a miracle. please.

We have not been talking for so long. I had wanted to say something, but i know it will make things worse. BUt i wanted to say that i made you spend more time with yr family and not less! yet in yr email u said bcoz of me, you spend less time w friends and family?? How can you possibly spend the equal time that you spent with yr frenz as compared to when yoiu are single and you are attached? if thats so, then you cant be in a relationship. YOu were the one who stayed in hall even on weekends when you are single. It is me who bought u with yr family and make you spend more time with them. It is me who influenced you to spend more time with them.
and now in yr blog you said when you needed support most, nobody gave you. Hey, that sld be me saying that, where was one when i needed most when you are in canada, japan?


We sld talk when you come back.
there are so many things not talked.

NOT HAPPY BIRTHDAY

AND I KNEW IT. EVerytime on the eve of my birthday..i will be sad..and this "everytime" started since i know him. First yr..he was too busy with his camp..which seems more important than me..he became not the first to wish me happy birthday. last yr..i cant rem what he did on my actual day of birthday le..this yr..he claimed to want to meet me online..to present to me..and said:" yanyan ! i just came back " at his 11pm..and then he called me on my hp coz i didnt pick up skype call..(i was tired of waiting at the com and went to prepare tmr food). if u have sth on..could nt u just sms me EARLIER..so i know when to expect u..AS USUAL..you dun learn..i dun care abt what yr surprise is..yr surprise seems only to make me more frustrated

Im sad, disappointed in the person i thought loves me most. Since you are nolonger interested in what i do, in what i think, let this blog just die. where did all our promises go? before you even came back, this has tohappen. Are we no longer compatible?

Yan Yan to yan yan, please tellme you want to hang on there.

are we on the verge of breaking up?

This blog started because of love and misses for someone. And now it seemed like it is going to shut down because of the same person. I felt a distance, a very far distance from the person i thought i loved most and cherished most. Break-up has never been part of my vocabulary. Do couples really cannot survive for more than 3years? In anyway, it does not matter whatever i write here anymore, he does not read anyway. He said he cant even take care of himself. Isnt this statement obvious enough that hes sick of me and that we should go our sepearate ways? Do you really want that to happen? Even how angry i am, sad i am, i will not say this two words: break up, in front of you. because people always do it in a fit of anger and will regret after that. after all, how can 2 people who loved each other so much just separate just like that? I dont know if he still loves me as much, are we not going to talk anymore?

im like a total idiot here..rushing back ..ate rice in 10 minutes..and saw that you are actually enjoying yr parties so much...drink more lorz..socialize more lorz..make more friends..not as if i care..i will not care anymore

locked out!

I actually wanted to come online today to chat with dada, but unfortunately i was locked out. tuesday and wednesday I will be out. It's alright larz..you can chat with your mum and friends. Ran almost 10km and i did not have key to get into the house..waited for 2hours without water and food..almost fainted. Hai..

The one who emailed me when he is in Canada no longer reads my blog. The one who says: sometimes you will feel better when you write things down so that "I" can see what you are thinking, no longer reads my blog. Me? Everyday, as long as I am online, I go to his blog everyday. Concerned about what he thinks, afraid that he may be upset, so that I will be the very first person to talk to him.

The one who always enjoys going overseas to upgrade himself and to leave others alone, yet does not care about whether the others are doing good or not.

He can just really enjoy himself when he is overseas, theres company, both boys and girls, and scooping ice cream from a girl's cup, how sweet.

The one who doesnt even think of his girlfriend when he is enjoying himself. The one who is no different from his sister, who doesnt want to commit fully into a relationship.

The one who thinks: well, i will think of you when i think of you, but please don't disturb me when im doing something serious, like working in Japan.

The one who thinks that I always say bad things about him. The one who thinks that I love him more than he love me and that i have stronger feeling towards him than he is.

You put too high a hat for yourself. The one who thinks that the future is a future, we don't have to think about it now.

The one who tries to escape questions from me like what exactly did hedo on our 2 year anniversary before he came to chat with me.

The one whom i feel does not tell me everything. The one whom i felt that i self-disclosed toomuch and felt now that i should not have done so.

The one whom have made me sad more than happy for these 2 months.

Most importantly, the one whom i loved and treasured so much, no longer treasures me anymore.

28 may 2010---is it of any significance to you?

why do i sometimes think that i 受委屈? from excited in waiting for him, to bored. Is it no longer important to keep to what u said? alright, it might be your internet is down or whatever reasons you want to give me, but isnt it just good that you can give me an sms that you will be late? i kept waiting here at the computer like an idiot. Afraid that you might be here anytime. being excited the whole day because i'm looking forward to chatting with you. Guys are just like that isnt it, i have to wait, as always.

happy and sad at split seconds, what am i doing?? i no longer sense my importance to him..i dont gain insecurity, uneasiness, unhappiness anyhow, its accumulated by you. How do you want to bring this down?

i bet you must be discussing your itinery for your camp tomorrow. Thats more important than our 2 year anniversary date online.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no posts to read

i was just practically doing nothing today, because i cant sleep even though i have slept for less than 5 hrs last night. I know that is not normal of me because i can sleep practically everywhere, and when i can't sleep, i know that i am just purely missing someone. My brain is just too active thinking of you, so much so that i get insomnia. INSOMNIA? this word has never occur to me.I looked back at your past blog posts, when you were in Canada, at least at that time, i have something to read when you cannot be online chatting with me. But now, i have nothing else to fall back on. Claps for those who have your loved ones overseas apart from you for at least a year..i must learn..for now

always online

I thought of lin jun jie song "always online" Yeah..im always online..trying to be online..which i obviously dun do it if not of dada..i was skipping and was so surprised to see a facebook msg..but i think hes having alot of fun there ba..perhaps no need for me to think so much and worry abt hiim..i dun think i will wait for him online this week.

sab seems to be the one always online to chit chat w me..ha..lad to have her to chit chat and have lunch w me in sch..oh yeah..opened up a star today w words!

seriously, if i have a chance, i would like to be away overseas for a few months..i realise i lost a lot of chance w myself as i have always considered him. that time i really wanted to do GIP..but i thought that i didnt want him to suffer the way i did when he was in canada..but in the end..it still ended up me suffering..hai..

i really cant take it anymore!!!!!! i feel like shutting down myself

IM so bored..really, i always wake up in sadness. JUst as i thought summer research will keep me busy..but it seems like i can do the initial research part at home. I wonder if i should go to school instead and join them for lunch? so that at least i have people to talk to. My everyday life is almost filling up my brain. I have so much to say, but i could just write down only. My intial plan of writing and sending to da will not be implemented. I dun even know his address..i will just write down and hope that somehow i will have the luck to see him online. its so sad to wait and wait yet theres not even a trace of him online.

Summer research should be done in group, yet i dunno who else are in my group..im gonna be a loner then. Today is Thursday, the day when u started work. Perhaps you need the weekend to settle your phone or something, i dunno, i thought that an sms would be gd too, but none.

Canada was much better in our communication aspects. Even though if i could not see you online, at least i know u saw my messages and you can leave me offline messages. But what to do, the place just doesnt have wireless..and its expensive to rent.

Will wenot be contacting each other till you come back..that is so scary. I kept thinking of CS100, trying to learn from what i should do in long distance relationship.

Will someone help me?

back to blogging..again

Im really kinda bored now, i wanted to say it out, but to who? woke up today, at 8 plus, wanted to sleep more, so i forced myself to sleep, but the max was 10am. I wanted to do alot alot of things this holiday, but it seemed like im just stucked here in m thoughts. it has only been 2 days, and im dying. It seemed so one-sided now, i miss da, but da seems kinda neutral. Am i overly dependent on him, should i love him less?..all these thoughts just popped up. all the promises, but it still ended up us being long distance every other year..will there be more? im so scared...i was trying so hard at the airport, to be happy, to not cry. Im surprised, i actually made it. I was just bottoming up my feelings, alone on the way home, it seemed so drama, why am i always left behind? at home, i try to be happy try not to think, but sometimes when im alone, i just cant help it, that is why i am trying to find alot of things to do. i wanted to call mummy just now, and the moment i picked up my phone, i dialed da's no. and again, i was sad. i felt myself 2 yrs ago in sep. spending the first few days like mad, trying to be online every split second, just hoping that u will be online again. im paranoid. i finally cried now. everybody just said that 3months will be very fast. How fast can it be..yesterday after my driving lesson,, i just wanted very much to call him, but then i realised, hes in japan, did i lose my memory or what. if i get to talk to him, i would be so happy, but then when we have to stop the call, i cant take it...can this be the last torture ? lets hope tmr willbe better after i start summer research..lets just hope. will it be agin like hes canada, that he doesnt even think about me? i said that i didnt want to take the initiative anymore, and i shall fulfill it, i will be passive now.

i feel sad..

its 9.10am now,12 apr today..wanted to go to school to study, but did not in the end. remember how i started this blog? it was during the period when dada went to canada, and now im almost starting to write again. im going to bear another 10 weeks not together again. this was not only the cause of my sadness, but the strain i have between dada and my family. i felt that ever since i came back from hall and spend more time at home, perhaps dadaalso had more chance with me at home, i felt like im always caught in the middle between them. and indeed, everyone was so unhappy that in january this year, all the nasty requests came out. okie, i compromised, accomodated, but it is still so hard. i know if i were dada, i would feel totally outcast, n i will nvr go to her place anymore. i know everybody tried to change, fang tried to respond to him even though she dun like to, korkor tried to say hello and thats all, mummy, supposedly the most kind person, was not as kind towards dada as when i fiirst bought dada home that few times. especially yesterday, i hate it when mummy suddenly said to me that "later got one show" .n i immediately know what to do, because dada was out in the living room, i immediately got dada in. why cant she say it straight in my face or say it straight to dada? its so hypocritical like that. if i were her, i would just say to him that i want to watch tv, later will "chao dao ni" u want to go in to study or not? isnt that just so simple. ?okie, and then at night kor was talking about cindy, and that he felt like he was not welcomed by her mum and he dun really feel good. This was such a good example to treat someone who is not your son better. but mummy just said that 自己的孩子就是自己的孩子。and she said that it can never be possible to treat other people like her own children. u will definitely only give the best to yr children, and she asked me right? i felt abit offended, n i just felt that she was targeting at me n dada, n i just said that i dun agree, because that is so 小心眼, so not magnanimous, i said we should be more da fang. she became not happy, i know, thinking that all i do is to side with dada only. and then after that i knew she was not happy and went to sleep at 10plus, i msged dada, but dada doesnt seem to know im not happy, or he just dun give a damn abt my sms too..i feel so sad, so squeezed, but what can i do? ? now, whenevr theres a bday celebration, i dunno if i sld call dada along, bcoz that time fang's bday, they said dada cant come. now daddy's bday, but dada will be off in japan le. hui lin's 21st bday..he sld be able to go right? kor kor bday, sld he come? mummy bday..sld he come? haiz.........whenever dada says he wants to come to my house, i will hesitate, i must count when was the last time he came...that is also the reason why i dun want to go dada's house so often, perhaps they also think that way, especially his dad..say things indirectly in my face, but im not stupid, i know i sldnot go so often. wash plates also got say by him, i can also sense that he doesnt really like me now.. i thought that families would always accomodate each other, doesnt seem to be the case now.

n now dada will be off to japan..everybody had the opportunity to go overseas, except me. im always the one left behind, n not the one going off. i really support dada to go off, because if it were me, i would definitely go! if u know me well enough,,i always put myself in others people shoes. but yet again, while trying to show support for him, i inevitably felt sad, that all the special dates of us, cant be spent together.that time when dada came back from canada, i thought to myself that i wont need the webcam anymore, i was wrong. i wonder how many more times dada will go overseas, we made a promise that since he went for both instep n IO overseas, in future when he work, he cannot go. he promised, but i dun think this will be a promise if he was really given the opportunity. it will be selfish of me to not let him go, but come to think of it, it will also be selfish of him to not regard my feelings and only for his own achievements to go. well its a dilemma. the one month before he gies off, will always be hard for me. along the way, it should be better, i hope. i really wonder he dada feels this way, or he still harbour the feeling of that time in canada, just there to play himself n enjoy himself, and not miss me the way i missed him. im so bored..i sld start studying now and erase all the unhappy thoughts....