4 september..the day i hate the most

Last year this time, i was feeling so terrible because you had to go to canada. its been a year since then. For the past year, we didnt even quarreled once, and i began to worry, was it normal? i thought there ought to be some quarrels so that we can improve our relationships. Then when you came back, we had the 1st one over the mahjong. After that i thought it was perfectly fine, we had one quarrel! subsequently, i can't remember how many quarrels we had..till 23 aug..that was the biggest one. i thouht, okie, there sld be the end of our quarrels, i will start to understand him more. but there are still things i take a whole lot of my time to understand why..
but when you love that person, its only the least thing that you can do, understand,understand and understand. i havent done my part really well, i must say, you did all you could..
but bcoz of the canada trip, i really feared you leaving me. until now, i still feel this sense of insecurity, as you like to do things without informing me.

hp806 dr.jansen said, he used to love to go diving, mountain biking and all, but he stopped when he had his first chhild, he thought of that what will happen to his wife, children if something should happen to him, i thought, that was so very responsible of him.

i wonder if im alright, but when im doing something, i will be so careful, just in case i die, and the people who loved me will be theone suffering the most. I feared alot when i cross the road, i feared when i was in the plane, wondering if we will be landing safely, becoz when most accidents haven, they didnt thought it would be them, i wonder if i walk halfway, will a flower pot just drop down and hit me. im paranoid.

okie, i should have understand that you wanted something for your resume, i should understand and support you. This time, its is really my fault. for the first time i would say. but i just hope that you will always do one thing, keep to your promises.

i think it will be taxing for us to go taiwan this dec. you are going to australia. i don't want to be unreasonable. we will cancel this trip. bcoz if i go, i won't be happy also. people will come back from a trip together and enjoy post trip, but you are going away to an even better place right after taiwan, will you remember we went to taiwan? definitely less..i cant say that im not disappointed, bcoz we delayed once, this will be twice, next 3 mths u have IO. and i just want to let you know that the call yr mimi made to me at natas made me felt uncomfortable, bcoz yr sis at the side was trying to shut her up, afraid that i will know you all are going overseas. da, don't worry, i very zidong, i won't want to go with you all overseas.

there is a very impt promiseyou made to me last yr for this yr, lets see if u really remembered=>

thats love, relationships, abit taxing, but uget alot better moments of coz.

as always, this post is delicated to you

disappointed..with my dad

We no longer regards him as our dad, just a person in name. Today everything changed. Another debtor came out of nowhere, we were startled. I dont know howmany secrets he has we him. I pity mummy. Having a husband who does not pay every single house bill, a husband who does not bother about the house, a man who does not bring a single amount back home. He is a jerk, he is a failure.

WHat er are doing, is to help the family. We agreed to close down the company, starting everything from tomorrow. WHy cant he learn from his past failure, he is a bankrupcy!! I dont knoe how much further he wants to sink in it. I didnt know i had a broken family, i thought mine had no scars......

yetr whatever he did outside, we knew nuts. we knew nothing, that is how little communcation we have, mummy have with him. the whole night was about questioning and more questioning, not any criminal, but our very own dad. im always ashamed to tell da about all this, that he never contributes to the house and everyshit he did outside, becoz i didnt want him to get a bad image of dad, but now it doesnt matter any more, he is a jerk, no doubt.

I still remeber the card, but i guess it no longer mean anything to me, kee eng chin, has changed.

indirectly shooting

hai..so im the one whos sleeping round and lazing around. i DONT find that so..i would think of that as spending time with my family. why spend the whole lot of your life always finding things to do, enriching your lifes just becoz you want to enrich, doing things for the sake of doing..so fake.

just at that point of moment, i thought so. different pple think differently, and thats why compromise comes in.....

although i will still think whatever i thought will come more easy with most people

still, sleep is important to me,

=<=<

no more work!

so much things

I was really really happy satisfied filled with joy on my 21st celebration, so much thoughts, yet could not write now. I was amazed at how my dada could hold the party so well, get everybody's attention. I WAS SHOCKED AND SURPRISED=> he made my party come alive, perhaps bcoz of so many things that he did, i felt pressurised to do something for him too. But im always the busy one who has to work, therefore, i didnt have much time to do anything.

seriously, i dont want to talk abt this, but i really hate the loan sharks!!!!!!y turn our family's life upside down? i cldnot ctrl myself and spoke to that damn person. I sld not have done that. Im already endangering myself. They may just catch me anytime, and IM DONE FOR. im scared but yet i really want the police to help us to get him caught. That is y i cld not sit own and think what to do for dada. My house will be burnt in this one week, i firmly believe so, now is the time to sit down and think in a sensible way, how to protect ourselves yet deter them and capture them. if only i was in the police force. I always wanted to be part of them, but because of height reasons, i stopped dreaaming since secondary. let me and my family be safe and sound, thats all i want, for now. If anything happens to any of my family members, i won't leave them alone. but if anything happens to me, im afraid i will kind of hate my dad.

work and work!

OMG! i almost type all these words that i was going to type in my birthday blog, heng arz! i finally woke up to ran today, i mean i did last fri also. I really wonder how the working class goes to exercise every single day, its really no life! its wither u wake up very early to run( because most will start work at 8 plus or 9), or you run when you reach home at 8 plus or nine. But i suppose most will go to the gym instead, no choice. I suddenly felt like swimming again, to swim 50 laps in one go without stoppig in 1 hr 20 min time. I mean, that was so great of me! haha, given that i dun even have a bronze cert...perhaps thats why im no good in water sports, and i cant join da for so many things. I cant even carryy a kayak well, da must be thinking im so lousy, he must have seen so much stronger girls..

I wanted so much to see him sail, yes, even to sit down there to see, but i was denied the chance, it made me felt sad..left out. I had a wish, or a surprise, that is to be the firt girl other than his mum and sis to drive him alone out, but this chance was destroyed by another girl. i think it willl be destroyed once more nxt week, well, forget it then. lets hope im just not the third or forth..

its just work and work everyday, 11-14 is PC show at suntec, i was so hoping he will say we don't have to work, but at the same time, it will be lost of money!! i cant, i actually hoped to leave this job early, but for money, i shall stay on. I think i work too hard sometmes, pushing myself to get 10 everytime, and that resulted in throat pain. Am i stupid or what? why so mai li? not as if anyone in this job are pushing themselves..hai yo. thats me

mummy and i agreed on one pt readily, i tend to not be taught when i go to a newplace to work, i learnt myself, whether last time in cafe or now, but when a new person comes, they will be dependent and kept asking me, and being the nice person, i will spoonfeed them with everything i know, and i cant believe i was so patient, this time or last time in cafe before i left. too nice may backfire too. too nice=naive=cheatable

well lets be nice and not nice then!!

felt bad that i cld not take care of dada when he was sick, hope you are fine already!! muacks!

Happy mothers day!

Luckily I was fast enough to make a reservation! HAHA and we got a free cake and the usual price stated as a result. However, food was not up to my expectation. I think the best buffet was at Genting!
I can't find a job, and this must not delay anymore. Yet I don't want to lower my expectation too much and except a $4 an hour job. Life's so bored. Planning for the birthday should be easy, as compared to HEXIS. But I just don't know how to make it better.
RUn! Yes, i must start to train my stamina for running, and my 44kg aim must be achieved. I hope. I no longer bake as frequently, because that requires money too, to buy ingredients. HAI!
GIVE ME A JOB