End of the year..soon

its coming to an end for my beautiful 2008. The best year i ever had.

i summed my year up my doing a good deed

i helped a lost man find his way

if only, whenever im lost, people would pave a way for me

genting trip was so exciting, it practically took all my stress away

results out, i wont say im extremely happy, but i am contented.

for i really studied so hard, and having to juggle some things, i thought i did well

finally, i can say "last year"..meaning its 2008..because,,2008 seemed like so long, and it seemed

like everytime i said "last year"..it meant 2007..the worst year..

what will my new year resolution be? isnt that what teachers always start in a new year to his/her students?

2009 here i come!

packing my table

I think its been very long since i last packed and cleaned my messy table. Also for the sake of the upcoming chinese new year. And to pack it nicely b4 i go on the bus!

chanced upon so many cards..birthdays..farewells..cny..xmas...from all the people that impacted my life somehow..from my cadets especially..it was so sentimental, and i didnt know i was her idol!..haha..felt so encouraged suddenly..

saw a birthday card, with nothing written on it, plastic still on, just 6 chi characters on it: zhu ni sheng ri kuai le. I almost wanted to use it for other people's birthday, since it was so brand new, so cute. Went to let mummy see and asked if those were her words, " hao xiang shi lehz..eh..bu shi..shi daddy de" and suddenly i realised it. It was during my 13th birthday when he gave me. It was on the way to chung cheng in the morning. That was what he always did from sec1 to 4, to send me to school in the morning in his tow truck. And because that was the first ever celebration i had for my birthday, though it was just a very simple get together with my relatives and neighbours. I never had a major celebration before.

It was the most special card i guess..he never once gave me a present, or perhaps i dun remember him giving..haha

yeah! sleep on the bus later!!

ANticipation

I like anticipating good things, good events etc etc...

Just like how I am anticipating the genting trip this sun. But as it gets nearer, it just makes me shiver again. For me, this genting trip will be a virtual place for me, so much so that i hope that i won't return to the real world and anticipate more hexis stuff! ALl the calling these 2 days made me want to go bad, i wonder which company will reply me that they are interested in sponsoring.

3 more months, and hexis will be over. Perhaps i will miss hexis then..will i?

I love anticipating CHINESE NEW YEAR! But when it comes, it's over again. Aiyoh.

40 minutes of skipping these 4 days will make me less guilty of eating during genting trip!

yeah!

i finally made that call to her! yes, after some procrastination! Afterall, it is not as easy a task as you think, but once you start the call, everything was like to easy, it's just a conversation ma!



OKie, everything is arranged, small small in big big, here i come, soon! haha!

Talk cock session

Oh man, someone indirectly made a decision for someone, a decision that benefits one, but yet does not benefit one. huh...no more magical may day that means..perhaps not even to mention the long awaited trip that was agreed upon in the real magical may that passed. That was what i had longed for.=< but, that someone will always support that someone's decision no matter what.

有得必有失，vice versa. You never get the best of both world, why? You are asking the obvious, this is just life.

hoho..i miss home, i realised that i didnt go home the whole of last week. Stepped into it for a day, and here i am, back at hall since tues. And not to mention, its the holidays now. WHy?????

Sucky life. Bring me to genting and may time stopped there, so i don't have to face all the stressful things in life.

Im going to my neighbour's 21st birthday party this saturday. Just to think about it, mine is coming real soon. Well, at least just half a year away. The 21st birthday party that i have long dreamt/planned about it since like..hmmx..when i was in secondary school. I always thought that it is a must to have a big and grand 21st birthday party. To have my boyfriend there to spend my 21st with me. I dreamt of that every now and then. Isn't it the most important stage in life? Yet I don't like it when people do it for the sake of doing.

Korkor's 21st is the most absurb. Having a chalet and guess what, he has to pay for the chalet. I won't ever, why should i, i rather not have it then. It involves so much money, yes, every single cents mean to me. It was absurb to the extent that we had to cook the buffet ourselves. Made a mess out of the whole kitchen, cooked an overestimation of food, bought an overly large cake. everybosy was so tired.

I don't want to hold it at a chalet, because, it is so small. If my house were big enough, the most ideal place, really, is my house. Aloha changi is too far, although it is big. If i lived in a condominium, the function hall will be the best. But everything involves $$$. Hai, perhaps, in the end, i won't have my dream party. Somemore, it falls on a very stupid wednesday. i don't like to celebrate my birthday early, not later either. 1st july is so nice, thats y i don;t like any other dates.

talking about dates, our business plan mentioned about when we want to start launching our business, someone suggested 5 may, i agreed immediately.是好日子！i told my group mates. i gave myself before i graduate to master that one thing, but, 八字都还没一丿.

Jurong point 2 is opened. Yes, the xtension of the old jurong point. It's so much bigger, nicer, and yes, higher end. We went there last night, with the usual 5 of us. Yongxiang came out from camp to join us. I wondered when will the last time for me to step into jurong point again be? I told my mum that i won't ever alight at boon lay again after i graduate. The furthest will be chinese garden. Its just so far from me.

I have so much to say to write, but i feel like sleeping now, hexis rehearsal later...i can go home tommorrow!! i want chinese new year soon.

I just notice a phenomenon next year! all holidays fall on either fridays or saturdays or sundays or mondays. To summarise, it will be long weekends for the whole of next year, because mon will be a holiday even if it falls on sundays!

Only silly people like me would notice all the dates each year............

this way or that way??

Do people really do their work just because they are indeed responsible? or because they are afraid that others will think that they are not being reponsible? and hence they do it?

hmmxx..

Kor kor

haha, my kor is so great, while we were enjoying the chalet, he went back home so that he can wake up early for the standard chartered marathon. He slept for 4 hrs only, because..cindy was back home with him..haha.

I thought he had a really gd timing, despite not training much. BUt the consequence was, he could not even walk properly after that. REminded me of Me! I could understand the pain in the knee. And the worse thing was!!! He lost his medal!!! If it were me, i think i will cry like nobody's business.

He is just so blur.

I feel so fat, i think i should stop eating! haha..and get started on exercising!

来去匆匆。。。

ARGH! NTU registration system really sucks. Slots come so fast and go so fast..Good things come and go..come and go...

Then might as well don't come.........

Business plan is so difficult

Other than 3 Jan...i don't foresee a gd sem nxt yr..until may..

I cant wait for the MAGICAL MAY..............................i love MAY

because it brings joy..

moody moody.......

Is it the lack of sleep? or is it the entrepreneurship course? or is it hexis? So tired, so sian.

What makes a good team? and what makes a good team member. I have this feeling, that i am a lousy member in my group. I can''t seem to blend in very much. Its like, in terms of contributions, i tried so hard to contribute, but it seems that, its not what they want.

"choon yan, 你还在吗？" was what one of my group member suddenly asked me during our meeting after class. What was that suppose to mean? That i'm sleeping away and not contributing? I thought our meeting was not efficient, and it just happens that i don't have as much things to say. I did my part, but they spent the whole time polishing up their slides and not mine. They talked about online games, which i don't play. I can't find anything to speak, to say.

All i can say is, i know i did my part, but im not a very vocal person. ANd yes, I AM SLOW, so what? I'm not a fast learner, neither am i a creative person. ENtrepreneur is definitely not for me, i hate it. I would not want to enter a business, I don't want to follow in someone's footsteps. I don't want uncertainty. I felt so stupid during this course. I felt that i could not achieve anything. I felt so uncertain about my future. Where is my talent? Why does everyone seems so clever around me but i just can't seem too find my positive points?

...............................................................................................................................................................................

negative news..

recently, there have been a number of negative news, which kind of affected my mood too. The most talk-about one, will be the recent killing of the first singaporean from the terrorist attack in mumbai. How vulnerable can life be? I kept on reading news of her, and the more i read, the more i will put myself in her family shoes. I kept thinking how i will feel, as her husband, her family. I don't know how i will move on with my life if i were her husband/family. Married for a year with plans to have children, and all hopes just vanished like that. Thats life.

And yet, on the other side, people can give up their marriage so easily, i.e. quan yifeng and her husband who divorced after 10 years of marriage.

Perhaps people really cant seem to treasure their loved ones til they disappear from this world. 那是人类丑陋的一面！

plus, kor kor cant seem to find out whats the problem in their relationship. Thus, there came about this conversation from my aunts and cousin about..relationships.

the airport

the last time that i stepped into the airport before yesterday, was awaiting the arrival of my bro from his exchange in US. That was in MAy.

Half a year later, I'm here waiting for my sis, back from Zhu Hai! I sat there, looking around. I like to look at people, walking about, seeing what they do, their expressions, their attire, i thought i could sit there for the whole day just staring at people.

I saw the happy faces of families when their family members came back from overseas. There was this mother, with two very young girls..standing close to the glass looking for their father. "papa! papa!" SO cute! so heartwarming, if her dad could, he would probably break the glass to come out quickly.

I thought of dada! that he will be back in about a month's time. The feeling was so strong, i kept imagining yesterday was 3 JAn, how i will react when i see him, what will i do. I really cant wait!

cya, airport!

yeah!!

exams are finally over! and i got so many surprises here and there while trying to surprise people at the same time! i can't wait to go to the airport later! haha..fang better bring some gifts for me!

okie..let me enjy for a few days first..before i think of other things! yeah!

i love exams???

I mean, who loves exams? Those guys must be outta their minds! But for a moment, i thought this exam period was a way of escaping from reality..yes..from hexis.

I never like to be a leader, all along. Ironically, i have been taking up minor or major leadership position..from being the leader of a group in pri sch to being the overall in charge of NPCC, to the producer in HEXIS. People always thought i have the capability. I would rather be the follower, for some reasons. If everybody wants to be the leader, i cant imagine how disastrous it would be, really.

Hai..the exam period gave me reasons to sleep more, to not do and think about hexis stuff, but now, exam is ending, i still have to face it. Let this be one experience ba..wish me gd luck man!

I seriously hate people who think they are very clever, damn u cockroach!

so familiar..

If all along, you wanted to buy a condominium as your home, but because the ideal conditions were not there, like, not enough money, the location is not good,etc..what will you do? Most people would then settle for a second best, perhaps a five room flat at a very convenient location.

After living in the five room flat for so long, you are bound to be attracted to it and not leave it. But if you ever found back the condominium that you always wanted, conditions are all there, will you shift out of your already cosy five room flat?

ive not been thinking about this for quite some time...

i wanted to write about how i felt today..after the organic chem test..it was a big disappointment, despite all the efforts that i put in, but somehow, this feeling was gone, because, i found myself looking at another blog again................

try as i might, i didn't want to touch it, ididnt want to read it, but my mouse just clicked there. Didn't you always wished that you could have access to that? Now you can. I swore not to touch the other blog ever again, ever since that day, and i did not. Now this blog, ive yet to explore. I will, perhaps after exams.

Just felt abit uneasy, because, i felt inferior, as compared to........hmmx..

thinking again..

for this exam period, i somehow chose to 封闭自己. My weakest point is that, i always care about what others will think. But i am myself. Its natural that since elaine and i are no longer roomies, we tend to see each other less although we are just next door. I would even reject her dinner offers because i want to save on the eating time and study, if not, my study plan will be wasted. But i will think of how yongxiang and the rest will think, will they think that im a wet blanket and all? Im afraid of all that.

But i don't agree on the things they do. Its the exam period now, but elaine seems to be not on track. I want to tell her, yet, i don't think that is appropriate. Or perhaps shes even more on track then me! well..

it is also because of my weak point, that i will never eat alone in a public place, i fear of what others will think. Also, although cockroach always wants to eat lunch/dinner with me, i will reject because, it is not so nice. I do study with him when there is a need, he still talks to me about all sorts of problems in life, and we are still v. good friends. But i really don't want him to be so persistent, because nothing is going to change a fact. the fact is, he will never get what he wants, and im afraid of how dada will feel. I don't like to be insecure myself, naturally i don;t like to give others an insecure feeling. Perhaps, it is only when dada is back will he understand where he stand..oh well...

random words..

exams are real soon! Its just next week!..according to yan yan's battle plan, im on track, but may be out of track anytime because of biz law!..i hate biz law. Mummy told me yesterday that shen qi bao he grew again! im so excited! but im not going home anytime soon, so she will be bringing me the letter and liangcha tomorrow!

I will be going on a trip to genting and KL this december with teronne and elaine and yong xiang and peiyi and kai jie! quite a random combination, wheres my RF?? hai, but something is just missing, though i really wish that dada can cancel off his trip to new york and join us, but well, i can't be so selfish! If only i have the money, i will fly over and fly him!

happy 5 month anniversary!

yeah! today is 28 oct! 5 months anniversary of dada darling and dearest yan yan! haha..got a special gift fm a postwoman..so happy! tmorrow, i finally can go home, so today, i shall work hard. 2 more months, and dada will be back, really cant wait.

these 2 months may seem like nothing, but it was not easy. the 1st month was a sense of loss, the fact that i cant accept that my dearest is away from me, and with all the schwork stress i have, the 2nd month, was some external factors that made me struggle internally, but i came back, i really came back. Because home is still the best!
Hurray!

thermodynamics...

how do bonds form? what is the activation energy that is needed to overcome the barrier in order to form the bonds and form a more stable product?

我站的很稳!

I thought such things only happen in shows, but shows are in fact a mimick of real life things. 人生如戏，戏如人生...how true.

Girls are the most sensitive, we know what is going on always. I never believe in platonic relationships, they can never happen. This guy, JY.(same initials coincidentally) I knew him from my lab, and i never know he existed in CBC. He is a very intelligent guy, with a lot of deep thinking. All the tests so far, he scored above 95. For me, I was the opposite, working hard, but not very intelligent. He never failed to help me in my studies, although sometimes i can't catch it. He talked sense into me when I was feeling down, and i never denyed that i learnt alot.

He knew I have dada, he knew it. That was why i thought it is okie to study with him alone, and he can never harbour any thoughts. But i was wrong, as he was getting closer to me, until yesterday, he told me that i knew all along that he liked me. I was kind of shock. Why like a girl who is already attached? I told him, it is impossible. At that point, I suddenly felt that it was unfair to dada, and i should not be studying with him alone. You can say, that I'm making use of him in my studies, but I'm not. For he is just a normal friend.

But yesterday, more truth unfold. He already has a girlfriend. In CBC too. I can't believe thatI am actually the root of the cause of them quarelling. I felt as if i was the bad girl, but in fact i am so innocently included in their picture. He told me about his broken family and everything, and that he could give up a good friend for love. Why? This is not sensical at all!! I don't make sense out of it, i pity his girlfriend. It is so unfair to her. If every guy were like him, wouldnt all the girls feel so insecure? Girls always feel insecure. I gradually told him more things too, and we talked til 3am.

I told my mum, she was worried. But i confidently and firmly told her, please believe in me, I have only dada, and she will only have dada as her son in law! That was why i could not sleep as i wanted to tell dada all the things that happened. Dada, i know you are reading this now. I just want to tell you, these are all the obstacles that we faced, but we managed to jump over them so easily, it was simply because of two things, love and trust. It is because you trusted and love me, that was why what happened yesterday was not a trigger to spoil our relationship. Nobody can ever replace you, for i really love you.

Blood donation

HAI..I waited for 2 and a half hours because i wanted to donate blood. In the end, they say my vein is too small, and I cant donate. I really wanted very much to donate, really. I donated just once in 2006, that time they also MIAN QIANG find my vein, because it's too small. I don't know why I will make an attempt to go and donate this year. Nobody to go with me, just there by myself. Because....I wanted to do something that dada always do, he will definitely go and donate if he is here, and so I went, imagining him going with me. In the end, my mission was not accomplished, i felt so disappointed, because I wanted to show him...that i donated ......

I slept at 1am yesterday, because dada therapy says so! JJ's album gonna be out soon! I really like to listen to his songs. The last album autograph session, my darling was there! That is also the first time mummy saw him, i missed that time......

the hard way

Everybody learns,but in different ways. I can only say, i always have to learn things the hard way, but if the end result is,i learnt it ultimately, then thats fine. But sometimes, i cant even learn it the hard way...i can't even master it...........i want to get out of my vicious circle!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl

There was this girl, born out in a busy year, a lucky year. Her family was considered well to do. Her dad earned tens of thousands dollars each month, from his electrical business. His business was even better when she was borned, which explained why she was getting a slight more attention than her siblings. Her life was good, but she never get to go out to faraway countries, even though her family could well afford that, reason being her dad was too busy doing his work to even spend much time with the family. It was a pity, a real pity. But it was too late. Ten years of great life, and she was no longer from a well-to-do family. Her dad failed in his business, not because he did not know how to manage, but because of friends who cheated him. He was declared bankrupt, and the whole family went into depression. Her dad had even tried to end the life of his whole family, which the girl remembered vividly. Luckily, he did not succeed. The family tried to go on no matter how hard life was. The girl had witnessed everything that could happen, loansharks coming up to make a mess.....she never really told her financial status to her friends and loved one, for she saw no point of doing so. Another ten years passed, although she is still as poor, she knew she had a happy family.
However, there was still this difference between her and her loved one. He has a financially stable family. Nonetheless, she is confident that this was just a microscopic difference, because, money can't buy family, cant buy love. She is happy for who she was, who she is now.

happy for him

I'm truely happy for my brother, for it is yet another stage of his relationship with Cindy. they just had their one yr anniversary. They almost broke up, but now they are even stronger. There isnt any reason why couples must break up, for that's what i think. Didn't you tried all means to get hold of her? How can it be that you can let it go so easily? Practically every couple who broke up was due to another person, directly, or indirectly.

I can only say, those couples don't know true love. In the past, i would not say i know, but i know it very well since 28 May 2008. True love is: Even when you are alone with a person of the opposite sex, all you think of is yr other half, and you wished so much, that person washim/her.

And you will miss that person every single day, whether he is just beside you, or on the other side of the earth. You know you are really stressed out, but you hanged on there, for you know, you have him to support you always...

so much to say

I have somany things up here in my mind, therefore i ended up here. I was supposed to do yet another lab report, but my mind just cant keep still. Dada's blog lets me think, think and think. I like his cinderella story, with love, you would have magic within. I saw the reference, and again, i thought of so many things. To be true, I know alot of things from dada, alot of his inner thinking, feelings. Ironically, not much through he himself, but rather, through his old blog. I sometimes wished that i had known every single detail of his past, but sometimes, there will still be things which i won't know totally. I want him to tell me more, i want more of a heart to heart talk, just like the butterfly park talk. Sometimes, i think too much.

There was this show, where a guy and a girl were getting married. The guy's ex-girlfriend then met with an accident, she was half paralysed. He became very distraught, but his wife-to-be told him to go and see her if he was worried. off he went, and he became emotional, and told his ex that he cared alot about her all along. they hugged each other.....the guys parents then reminded him that he is getting married. and luckily, he made sense out of himself.

Guys are guys, they tend not to forget. That's the bad thing about having a past. Deep down in the heart, perhaps, there is still a tiny tiny little her, which explains why an accident can trigger his heart. Girls would know that his wife-to-be wished he had not went. (Girls say this and mean that) I have alot of past, but they are not memorable, so in my tiny tiny heart deep down, i can swear for sure that there isn't any. For one has totally filled up my heart now......

NUMBED

I suddenly had the thinking that my poor results for the mid terms were so expected that instead of feeling extremely sad, i just told myself to carry on. its all over, i can only look on and tell myself..life still goes on.
Just one happy thing, i got the bursary from NTU! quite a huge amount too,(which indirectly states my financial status) and to celebrate, i treated mum n sis to movie and dinner. We watched connected on wednesday after my dental visit. Pretty decent but unrealistic plot.
Because of my tests, i did not even get to talk to dada for this week, albeit talking to dada for a mere 10 minutes on thurs morning. I totally cant stand not talking to him for a week, yet i cant help it, im in a dilemma! And all i could do, is to think of him and behave like a cry baby. i hate to let dada see me cry, i don't like to appear weak in front of him, although thats the case always. Let this year pass quickly, and i just want a decent GPA of 3.5 and I'm happy enough. Do grant me that, i'm working hard.

stressed...again

I thought i was feeling better, but now the stress is coming, yet again. Exams are just a month away, and there are 4 more tests before the exams are here. In a way, it is good, but it also adds on the stress. Especially when i'm not doing well for my past 3 tests. Hexis is hanging there too, and i received alot of rejection letters from the foundations.
I really don't feel like touching hexis for the time being, I don't come to university to be involved in all these and make my grades suffer. I really don't understand why i'm doing this to myself. But all I can say is that, "everything happenes for a purpose" and will eventually lead to a good ending. As what dada told me "everything will turn out fine eventually", thats for him, and its for me too. How I wish dada is my my side physically now. He always cheers me up. Been skyping with him, for the max of 3 times last week! But exams are coming, and i'm afraid I can't afford this kind of time anymore, yet I want to talk to dada, its a dilemma. I hate to make decisions. I never like to. . I really miss you.

of substance...

Friends around me, are of so much substance, aspiring journalists..news presenters..teachers...what about me? what do i want?

FIRE!

I read dada's post, and so conicidentally, he was talking about this topic. I witnessed a car on fire at my house downstairs on friday! It was such a funny incident, no, i'm not throwing salt on that car owner's wound. The story goes like this....

Choon Fang and i were at home preparing our lunch. Due to the fact that our gas supply went out, we used our ricecooker to cook maggie mee instead. While the water was boiling, we smelled a very weird burning smell, those of a metal burning. Initially, we thought that it was the rice cooker, and to prevent any explosion, we switched off the plug. But it was not, and the next moment, i saw that our house outside was very smoky. Being the typical Singaporean, i decided to be Kaypo and go out and take alook. And there it was, a car in the middle of the road burning away. I asked fang to come out and see, and we acted so mountain tortoise, because you din't see this everyday. gradually neighbours came out and joined us. Haha! i even took a video of it and some pictures. Mummy then came back for lunch and that ended our "fun".

But seriously, i saw alot of helpful Singaporeans, (maybe they are not) calling for the fire engine. Alot were taking photos too, they must be trying to send to stomp! me? I just looked at the whole show. I fear calling the numbers sometimes, for fear i don't know what to say!

4month!

happy 4 month anniversary to us! This will be the first month that we are not spending it together, because dada is on exchange. But last month, he didnt spend it with me too, on the actual day, as he went out with his friends. At that time, i was abit sad, but because he was going to Canada soon, that feeling is even more overpowering than him not spending with me, and i ended up feeling so emo that day. I opened up dada's present, a "rose"! He gave me permission to open it early..i wonder when the next surprise will be..

Again, recess week is over already, thats so fast. I had a lot alot of dreams everyday. The last last night, i dreamt of my room in hall. It was such a ghostly dream because a female ghost was haunting the room. Everything in the room was left by her, and if we touched them, we will get haunt by her, so scary! Dada was in the dream too. whenever i have dreams, the location is always not what it should be, and all kinds of people who don't know each other will come together. For this one whole week, i did not depend on my alarm clock to wake up, i juse woke up at around nine plus everyday, usually awaken by my dreams.....

I tend to think alot more negatively these few days. Maybe because of the shows i watched, the news i read. Recently, i read about the death of a lady who actually lost the opportunity to make it big in the singing scene because the comoany chose stefanie Sun in the end. At that time when she discovered she had cancer, it was already last stage. I concluded that most cancer do not hae alot of symtoms, and i'm afraid i will be one of them. You know, i'm not one who gets sick easily, but sometimes when i have headache, i would think like, do i have brain tumour or whatsoever. Hai..i should be more optimistic..But ultimately it is not the dead one who suffer, its the people around them, they will be the most devastated...

R...

Last friday, i received yet another surprise from shenqibaohe! but i have to wait a week before i could open. I don't think anybody knows about my blog, even dada, though i dropped hint to him, but i don't think he caught my hint. I think i knew what the gift was.

I went to AMK hub with mummy on saturday to mail a gift to dada. Don'tthink will reach them in time on 28 sep..its alright. But 20 sep..was kallang leisure park official opening. If dada were in Singapore, i would have gone there with him, its been some time since we went there, i wanted to immerse in that atmosphere again.

Yesterday night, kor and I had a long talk, about him n cindy, me n dada. I knew he had some problems. we talked about the difficulty of a relationship, his past, everybody's past. I didn't know guys have a sense of insecurity too. He said that somehow things changed abit after he had gone to his exchange earlier this year, but its becase he thought too much,he assured me that WE WON"T. I'm confident too. Although sometimes there are thoughts here and there.

There are times when i really really miss him alot, for to skype just once per week, it's not alot. But i can't be selfish and take up his time. Actually wanted to chat with him during this weekend, but weekends he will be out.

This is something that is meaningful : "in love, one must relax one's clutches, in order for your lover to stick closer to you. When you ask less, he or she will open up and tell you even more."

dreams..weird dreams

recess week is finally here, but its a week to catch up my school work and Hexis. no chance to out to play, but if dada were here, i know i would have gone out, maybe to study. No pressure of going back to hall after sunday passed..a feeling, good feeling you won't know.

had auditions for hexis last week, turnout was okie only. Lets wish for the better, for things will always turn out better at the end. spent the weekend doing hexis proposals and sending out and studied 2 chapters of polymer chemistry, more to study today! Ive shut myself totally from all the hall games ans trainings, i have to do that, no choice...

the weekend was "eventful"..as in eventful in my dreams, i did not have pleasant dreams to start my week with. First, it was a shipwrecked dream, all of us dropped into the sea, and i was one of them struggling to get saved. But before i could get saved, we saw a shark. All i could think of at that time was to swim all i can, while closing my eyes, i thought i may die anytime. I finally got saved, but my friend died. But the thing is, she died knowing that she died, because she was there with me all along, it was her spirit. She called her boyfriend to say sorry to him because she could not save herself, i cried and cried, because i knew they had plans to marry, it was a pity.....i woke up crying...

The second dream was that my tooth fell out, pretty scary too..because i have my braces on now, and i cant afford any of my tooth to meet with an accident and fall off..

giving up..........

I always thought that there is a solution to everything. I always thought that effort will bring you rewards. Not to me now, anymore. I just feel like putting down everything and giving up. Just when i thought that I'm pretty settled down on some issues, more problems came along. It's not as though i didn't make the effort to sit down and think before i made any decision.

I had a great first half of the year, but second half of 2008, I find it so hard to pass each day. Everyday, it is a mental torture to me. Perhaps, some people say things too straightforward, and i'm not one who can take it that easily. i need someone to talk to, i find it so hard to even breathe properly now.

Kickfit was the only time when i sweat it out and don't think of the stressful things. I always wanted myself to be strong and not to cry so easily, but, to no avail. Im weak, Im very weak. I cant pull myself up now, at least at this moment. I cant even remember how many times i cried since i took up the position. I feel so sorry for myself, because i'm so useless. Give me a miracle.

Not motivated

I can't find any motivation in myself, especially after my organic chemistry test today. I totally flopped. If i could get any single marks for it, it must be pity marks from the lecturer. I studied, but maybe i didnt put in my utmost effort for it. Recess week is next week, by right, i should feel a great sense of relief that at least the 2 tests are over for the time being, at least, that was what i felt for the past two sems when recess week is nearing. But not this time, because of hexis.

The meeting last night taught me, don't take up a head position if you don't know any big shots seniors or relatives, because you totally lose out in having contacts for canvassing. That is my case, and i'm really worried that i cannot canvass out enough money in the end, and hexis will for the first time in history, collapse.

2 lab reports due this week. The only thing that i can look forward now, is just going home. At the very least, seeing my mum and family made me felt better. I'm wondering if I'm suffering from slight depression. But i definitely don't have those negative thoughts. I'm just looking forward to next year, and everytime I can see dada online. No matter what, i still have 3 stars protecting me each day. I'm still trying to find my hidden smile..i want to be me,,,,again.

super random!

Just as i told dada..and here it is..my pathetic blog!haha!